Metaphysic Storm

I have not died, but the last post and it’s persistent existence at the top of my Metaphysic screen has made me wish it so. I’ve been busy riding my bike to the Louis Armstrong airport to fly to the Pennsylvanian wedding of my sister’s dreams, taming the hound, slutting myself to the art gods with a live PBS appearance, pre-visualizing  my next great American adventure and learning basic two stroke mechanics.  The photo i had placed at the top of the Storm was one i took at Laguna Beach with Amanda. I don’t know why i put it there, nor do i know why i left the drunk post about #1 and the private emails we traded in a vain attempt to educate each other, also alive in digital world’s existence. Needless to say, this post has been in the works for a while and it seems that already too much space has been occupied with excuse and explanation.

Let us cut to the chase…

By nearly all rational measure i should probably be in a nut house because of my belief that a supernatural agency manipulates the universe but more specifically, extensively communicates to me through coincidence which painfully causes me to question the existence of free will. Thank god for the relative nature which the religious contribute to the curve. If we are nothing more than mechanical animals i don’t see the purpose of existence, just hook me up to a morphine drip and let me drift to an industrial death.  When i got out of the torture chamber of Orange County jail and picked up Doodles in Albuquerque from a friend that shares my dads name who lives at an a address which starts with 801, i was absolutely convinced that the stage had been set for me and we were merely seeing if i was a capable actor/director.

Amanda really confused me because she stated, “you’re spiritually jacked but i think you are just reading into the coincidences”. The only thing i reported that wasn’t a coincidence were the paintings that were turned upside down in my home after i made an egocentric sounding “can god be dis-proven” voice recording for an anarchist/atheist website. It wasn’t until i was back home on the phone with her and told her of a routine coincidence that she called me out, called me a liar. I was walking Doodles when i passed a house with a kid who wanted to pet my dog; he asked her name and i told. It turned out that the little boy also had a black lab named Doodles. I put him on the wireless with Amanda to confirm the “impossible”.

A few months later and after hundreds of hours of canine training it was becoming apparent that i would not be able to continue my lifestyle, i would have to devote my life to this dog meaning switching to a job at wall-mart and living in the ghetto to continue giving half of what i had.  It just made more sense to find this dog given to me by god to a family with the means. After i made the tough decision, which i knew would please the family i was about to meet in PA with my blatant failure in my ability to be “responsible” for another life,  I made a web-page for her and started my network magic. That day on our walk we were charged by a little fucktard dog which i had to pull out of Doodles mouth. My girl bit my wrist in the process, which could have been a tragic career ender. Fortunately it was a mere flesh wound and the owner of the unleashed retard dog was a cute med student who turned me on to ARTDOCS. In return i didn’t sue her.

At my sister’s wedding i met up with my father who i hadn’t spoken to since my Las Vegas experience. After the rehearsal I hopped in his new giant truck with state of the art GPS and a wife navigator to boot. A couple dozen of us were going to a local pizza/beer joint. As we sat in the church parking lot waiting for the others he plugged the restaurant into the computer. I asked if the link up was live and found it to be a download. I advised that the location might not be up to date because things change, especially restaurants. A car in-front of us instructed us to follow them but Wayne punched it and passed them intent on being the first one to munch a slice. It turned out i was right, not only did it bring us to a non existent pizza shop, it was in a different town. Wayne would not listen to my reason and kept doing circles on dirt roads while my sister gave me condolences over the cell. I was wondering if a gun would make an appearance at my sister’s wedding and i was not disappointed, Wayne said that he was going to shoot his GPS which deserved his wrath. The co-piolate kept a reasoned silence as i suggested we just go back to Greensburgh. “Go back to Greensburgh, why don’t we just go back to Greensburgh”, my dad said.

We went back to Greensburgh to meet someone at my sisters old apartment so they could guide us to the pizza shop. On the way, i explained to them that two years previous i hadn’t been on a drug induced psychosis when i showed up at their doorstep. That it was a series of improbable coincidences that led me to a state of paranoia and the unexplained upside down paintings. We arrived at my sisters old apartment and there was a wooden statue of a pizza chef in the neighbors yard mocking my dad. I took a photo of the evidence and told my stepmother that i indeed am not the crazy one.

Amanda had always spoke of getting a Great Dane, one that she could ride. Coincidentally out of the half dozen people that replied about Doodles the best one was named Amanda, who owned a Great Dane. She also happens to be a nurse in on of the few psyche wards i haven’t visited in Southern Louisiana. I went over to there house and hung out with them and her marine husband, 4 cats and a parrot. In the back yard the unclipped bird flew from their hand and found a home on my shoulder. They were very surprised because the bird doesn’t like strangers and has actually attacked people… The new pic at the top of the storm is one i took from a volcano of Doodle’s birthplace, Albuquerque. Doodles loves her new home.

A few weeks ago i was drinking and scanning my facebook friends. Stumbling into the digital depths of an ex girls life i found a picture of her with 6 other girls who “shared a trait that is a large part of their identity.”  I found 5 out of the 7 attractive and drunkenly thought it a good idea to rebel against all the facebook quizzes by making my own, “which girl did i sleep with” quiz. When i woke up the next morning i reread the post and decided that it could be easily misinterpreted but didn’t pass termination judgement. Here is the post:

One of these women has been one of my favorite muses, until she put a pumpkin in the mississippi to appease the Nawlins’ spirit. She also was the only woman i’ve ever been naked in bed with, with an extra women under the sheetz…. oh, an ex girl friend [now ready to pop out a science teacher's child] was jealous about the dark chocolate. Who do you think me lady was?

COMMENTS
Imperadør Hasemörder says: I aint’t gonnah lie, i just spent the night wit da tulane indian bitches…. my life may suck butt at will i can be 18 down in a second… ho ha. i know i can’t be 18 forever…. i look forward to puttin;;;;;;;;;;;wrasp…….. my lite brite together go my dead gran dad…

unokhan says: #2

Imperadør Hasemörder says: You have done a Noble thing, saving my facebook account, but alas #2 is the incorrect answer.

unokhan says: u sed dark chocolate — did u mean caramel?

Imperadør Hasemörder says: You are such a good sport i will give you one more guess. Anything would be dark chocolate to Cat

unokhan says: myyy eyes!!!!

AB says: I’m thinking Three, Four or Seven. Three looks like a ‘pleaser’ – someone who would be willing to try a threesome, on the behalf of someone for whom she had feelings deep enough to overcome her own pride. Four, because she looks as if she may be insecure. Seven, because she looks adventurous, to me. I’m leaning toward Three. You and Cat look like twins.

unokhan says: bev, they don’t look a thing alike except for this blinding whiteness. robert has tucked nares.

AB says: In the photo offered, I’m judging the eye shape, the cheek bone position, the forehead (and hairline) and the ‘bow’ of the lower lip, mostly. To my eye, in this photo, they do indeed look like siblings, and possibly fraternal twins. But it’s jmho …

Imperadør Hasemörder says: Not Three, Four or Seven either. To be completely honest i did not have a threesome. My ex-muse’s friend wanted to and we all ended up in bed but nothing but a little explicit cuddling happened.

unokhan says: okay who dem

Imperadør Hasemörder says: #1

thimscool says: Hi Aunt B! Robert, that pic of you and Cat reminds me of when I was rescued by the Pleiadians.

---

#1 emailed me a couple days back and accused me of being racist. That caught me off guard because i had prepared a defense for male chauvinism but hadn’t once gave thought to it being condescending to, oh what do they call themselves? Ah yes, Negros. #1 and i traded emails but it finally became clear to me that she is locked into her veiw that she is the authority on racism and i am guilty. Her last email declared that i am a divisive idiot that holds stupid conversations and she didn’t want me as a friend anymore. Since i get the feeling that i’m not a non-friend but an enemy now i thought i’d play the part and post the email conversation. Continue Reading »

Need i say more?
Click here for the 30 second full story.

I’m doing a painting for a woman who’s getting married in the Audubon zoo. I told her that it was a strange place to get married but not as strange as having a cavity filled in a tent by the monkeys, while having to breathe out of one’s nose so i wouldn’t steam up his vision. She looked puzzled and i reminded her that after hurricane Katrina doctors volunteered their service at the zoo. I was one of countless others, although i was a rather pale version, making a grab for some free medical service.

I went to the zoo this morning to get the photo’s i needed to do the paintings. Since i paid the $13 bucks to get in i thought i would spend a few hours walking around. We have a pretty nice zoo here in heart of uptown. It seems as though most of the animals have enough room that it doesn’t feel too much like the prison zoos are. Unfortunately, i chose to go to the zoo on some sort of designated field trip day for half the middle schools in the state. It felt like i was observing adolescent behavior more than the quadrupeds.

My favorite sections of the zoo are the reptile house, which are the coolest looking, and the primate section, which are the most enjoyable to watch. The two times i’ve been to the zoo, to see the animals, it’s been in fairly decent shape: clean and well maintained. When i arrived at the orangutan pit i was slightly shocked to see trash with the animals. There was a cardboard soda box, some food wrappers and one of the orangutans was sleeping on their “side walk” like a bum, using what looked like a newspaper as a blanket.

The ape that wasn’t napping on the job came over to the edge of the moat, put his hand out and gave everyone the down on his luck look. Everyone but i laughed. I was shocked at the behavior which revealed the source of the trash. The adults that were standing beside me said, “It’s just shameful”. I almost started a conversation about how i agreed, when i was absolutely flabbergasted at what they said next, “We should throw him some change.” Sometimes i think i’m on the wrong side of the fence at the zoo.

Twisted Doodle

I’ve had Doodles Mendoza, the mutt sent from the gods, for almost half a year now. When i got her she was completely undisciplined. She’s my first dog and I think i’ve done a pretty good job training her. She can sit, stand, lay-down, go back, walk by side, walk ahead, slow down, run, heal, jump, speak, shake, roll over and play dead. Her main problem is aggression towards other dogs when on the leash and picking on little dogs at the dog park. I’ve tried three different training leashes and several techniques to try and curb the behavior with little success. Unfortunately the dog in her sometimes brings out the monkey in me. It’s as if i leave my body and watch the chain of chemical events take place: she becomes violent making the other dog violent causing a real stink and steam to come out of my ears. I’ve walked away the events literally trying to reprogram my response before i go ape shit on the Dog. I’ve achieved a 98% success rate with myself, and have been putting more energy into positive reinforcement and trying to guilt Doodles into behaving. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except i plan on painting with her on the road and can’t loose a $300 painting by having my oils fly in the lap of some yuppie yappie dog owner’s $200 blouse while Doodles digests Tinkerbell and the lawsuit ensues.

One of the strangest effects of having a “difficult” dog is that in my efforts to train her i’ve heard my dad’s voice coming out of my mouth. I’m sure most parents have experienced what i’m talking about because we learn through example which is reinforced through repetition. I had a particularly disturbing father and many repressed memories have surfaced through the interaction with my dog. When i’ve said, “Doodles i swear to god i’m going to kill you”, memories of my dad putting a gun to my head materialize. I have him holding my head underwater until i tapped out bubbling into my consciousness. To this i add a sister who’s developed a twisted sense of appropriateness. I was on the phone with her telling her of the technique i’ve come up with to gain absolute trust from Doodles. I said, “i hold her upside-down in my arms and lower her to the ground. Her natural instinct is to flip to save her back but i sooth her with my voice, look her in the eye and gently place her on the ground. After doing that a few times i remembered Dad holding me over a banister on a balcony and then coaxing me to jump from the fire hall’s mezzanine into his arms.” She replied, “Yeah, but you’re doing it with a dog.” As if the method with terrible consequences is alright for humans but with no real threat not ok for dogs.

I received Doodles at a very strange point in my life. It’s difficult to tell now but it seems as though extra responsibility is something that i could really do without in my current financial/rental/job/credit circumstance. I’ve thought about trying to find a home for her with an owner that had at least an ounce of stability but i really do love my dog and have invested an enormous amount of time making her a better citizen. When i took her on her first walk she pulled me to the ground and almost exploded in the presence of other dogs but now she doesn’t automatically go ballistic; it takes a few sniffs and posturing before she goes bizerk. Perhaps that little success is what matters and will grow into something. I continue training myself to have patience. It seems very strange to plan one’s actions ahead of time but i guess that’s what kung fu is all about and it’s easy when Doodles’ behavior is so predictable.

What i have written would have been fine as is, maybe it would light a SPCA bulb a little, but i promised too much information: one drunken night i was at the Mayfair and introduced Doodles to a scientist i met inside. He’s a Jewish atheist who found my supernatural speak incredibly amusing. I was more than happy to entertain and scare him by making him think i’m a Nazi. I took him outside to a dark corner where i had Doodles tied up. I said that technology isn’t what can save our species from driving itself extinct, that the answer had to be political/social. I then reached down to Doodles and undid her leash. She ran away, down the sidewalk to almost certain death on St. Charles street. I said that what i did was introduce Capitalism/Anarchy. I called for Doodles and she came back to me and i put the leash back on her. He seemed shocked at the demonstration and i wondered where my behavior was coming from. I’m not nearly as predicable as a Doodle.

The next day i took her to the dog park. On the way there we spotted a stray dog that looked just like Doodles. It was limping and looked as though it got hit by a car. There was no helping it, especially while i had Doodles with me. As the guilt of feeling as though i just got a sign of what could have been, we entered the gated park. I took the leash off of my girl and threw the ball for her. She took off after it like a bat out of hell. No other dogs were there but soon someone arrived. They had a little puppy and i knew there would be a problem. Doodles took off strait for them and the puppy went into a submissive posture and started making a crazy noise. This was very bad for my Alfagirl. She bit the puppy but did not puncture the skin. I finally made it over to pull her off while the puppy’s owner was completely freaking out. I put the leash on Doodles. They were about 40 yards away when Doodles took off for them braking my leash. I warned them and pulled Doodles away from the irritable attraction of little dog energy.

That night i had a dream that i was in a restaurant where i got into a fight. I escaped into the bathroom where i found Doodles skinned and her paws chopped off. I woke up and road my bike to the pet store to get a stronger leash and decided to try a new retractable one so I could give Doodles a feeling of freedom on the Neutral grounds. A week later Doodles got into a fight outside the Buddha Belly Bar and i got knocked upside the back of the head.

Repugnant sexual impulse

Recently i was watching a 13 hour World War II documentary when i saw a pile of naked jews being bulldozed into a giant lime pit. I got a glimpse of titties on an emaciated woman and for a millisecond was sexually aroused. That’s about as twisted as it gets and is even too much information for my consciousness.